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I have Strep Throat.

My tonsils are huge.

The doctor is surprised I can even swallow.

I'm achy.

My ear is aching.

Yeah.

Okay, so I've been noticing something is pulling me into church, and this time, it's not myself that has did it. It's all of these outside uinfluences that are occuring. I was trying to ignore it.

So, the other day Lindsey calls, the girl I used to babysit. She's 12 now. She's grown up so much, tells me about her life, how she has been vegetarian for about a year, and is really interested in Christianity. That's where the pull began.

Now, I just got back from walking over to Dairy Queen. I wanted a chocolate shake. So, I'm waiting there at the counter and this guy I remember from Greater Faith church is there. Now, he doesn't remember me. I think I look a lot different from when I first went, but he tells me the church has gotten a lot better, the people are great. So, then I tell him "bye." So, I'm now walking home and now he's at the pay window and asks me if I want to go out with the church and eat with them, whatever, and I told him I might do that. So he asks for my number and I give it to him. He asks for my name and I remembered his, I think he was surprised.

So, it's just weird is all.

So lately I had a strong urge to meditate, I couldn't do it for very long--I'm not sure why exactly. I made sure that one guy knew I only wanted friendship--to save my guilty conscience, and I'm really to go to massage therapy school and dwell deeper into myself as well as other people.

So, dating...

I don't think I'll want to date anyone anytime soon. Phil wasn't outwardly attractive to me, but everything felt right and soon attraction grew. And I loved his voice, the sound of his voice. It still melts my heart sometimes.

After conversing with this guy online, of whom I thought was attractive, I heard is voice and it's just too dorky sounding for me. I know, I don't like to judge but a man's voice is either a turn on or a turn off. In this case it's a turn off. I guess I'm going to have to be honest and give the let down soon. I can't lead people on and not be blunt. That's too much of a guilty act for me and it's not fair at all.

I just want a relationship like Phil and I had. I don't think I'll get that anymore. It's depressing, really.

Let's see. I woke up at 6 a.m. and threw up. Woke up again at 9 a.m. and threw up. Then at 9:30 a.m. I threw up. I think it was the Mexican restaurant from last night, Puerto Vallarta.

So, yesterday Phil (He's 30 and we dated in Lexington) came in from Lexington to see his Louisville, KY friends and he came to New Albany, IN to come and see me for like an hour and a half. It was just really nice and pleasant. One of the first things he said was, "Alicia, you're happy!" In Lexington, it was hard for me living there and affording food to eat. That's why I moved back to New Albany, IN. It was so stressful and it was hard to be happy. He showed me his massage table--it's really nice, and we talked at the coffee shop about Lina and other things.

He told me he's been readings this book on open relationships, something he's been interested in and I've been more recently open to. I told him I've been cuddling with this guy recently because it's hard to not have that type of physical contact. He asked me if I still wanted to be lovers with him. I told him that I do, however, I just don't want to feel hurt or attached. So, when I get my license, and when I feel comfortable driving that far, I'll go up and visit. If I have sex with anyone, I need that emotional and physical connection. I have that with Phil. I love and care about him. Well, he road me to work that day, we said I love you, our "seen you soons," and kissed.

I look forward to seeing him again.

I had a weird dream last night. I was on different plane of existence where the spirit world was. I saw my dead grandma, Cardine. I remembering thinking in my dream that most people who go into the physical realm in sleep don't realize it. I told my grandma that I was on a different level of consciousness. Anyway, There was a point where I was in the earthy, physical realm and I saw my father. He was dead. I was the only one that could see him, however, he didn't yet realize that he wasn't alive anymore, in the physical sense. I remember telling him he was dead. I also remember that somehow I figured out how I was going to die and that it would be due to some sort of bursting, bursting of an artery, something like that. Now, that came out of no where. I haven't been reading or thinking about arteries bursting.

Seriously, that scares me.